When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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