sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
