a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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