I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
