Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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