omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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