Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
