So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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