you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
