For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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