I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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