There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
