um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
