Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
