i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
he just fucked me for my cheese..
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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