my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
