what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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