He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
