Someone shit on the floor
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Randomize
