my phone needs a breathalizer
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
