please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
