he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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