You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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