last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
