Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
