you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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