He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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