pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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