please come you make the beer taste better
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
