Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
