When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
