I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
