Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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