..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
