dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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