Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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