I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
