I'd wear matching sweaters with you
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
