We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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