Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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