if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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