If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
