Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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