i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
tell me about the fingering
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