I wish my penis had an off switch
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
