I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
