On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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