I'm really into asian looking animals
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just had sex on a roof
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
