I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
