When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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