so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
